The Curse of Ken Rizzo

The wallet lay atop a shelf in the bedroom closet. Wyler and his wife Lola were nearly done cleaning out their apartment; Wyler was making sure the couple hadn’t missed anything from the bedroom when he found the chestnut bifold. What the? He opened it, and facing him was a photo ID of Ken Rizzo, the former tenant of their soon-to-be former apartment.

 "Check this out,” Wyler shouted to Lola.
  Weird,” Lola said, upon seeing the mysterious object.
“Think we should try to get it back to him.”
 “It’s been a year and a half, I don’t think he needs it.”
“Hey, I need a new wallet!”
 "Take it!”

Wyler tossed the licence, credit cards, and Auto Zone reward card into the garbage. The garbage started ablaze, but Wyler was too busy rejoicing in his luck to notice. He sashayed around the living room, wallet raised like a flag in his right hand. "Look at me, with my new wallet! See how fancy!" .

"Wow, you're really fancy," his wife said. "Why don't you get your fancy ass back to work, seeing as how we're trying to move."

"Right."

Behind Wyler, back in the unnoticed roaring garbage can flame, an image of a young man bearing a devilish smile appeared just for a moment and then disappeared.

Wyler and his wife hadn’t known anything about Ken Rizzo, really, besides that he didn’t tell the former landlords when things were broken and was reputed to be heavily into dark magic.

The day after their move to the new apartment, Wyler and his wife pulled up to a Dunkin Donuts drive through window.

"That will be 12. 66," the cashier announced. Wyler handed over his debit card, more than ready to shove a double chocolate doughnut down his gullet.
"This card only has six dollars left on it," said the cashier.
 "What?  There must be some mistake."
"Maybe you’re cursed,"the cashier offered.
"Maybe you are!" Wyler screamed before squealing out of the parking lot, dismayed and donutless. As he drove, he heard a mysterious cackle.

"Did you hear that? Wyler asked his wife.
"Hear what?"
"The mysterious cackle"
"I thought that was you."
"Why would I cackle mysteriously?"
"I don't know why you do the things you do. It was probably just the wind. You're hearing things because you're in double chocolate doughnut withdrawal."

The day after the doughnut incident, Wyler, his wife, and their 15-month-old  became sick.
"Ugg," said Wyler
"Ugg." exclaimed Wyler's wife.
"Da da?" exclaimed the baby, sickly.
 I feel awful
 Me too.
 Bah!

 Wyler called  Dr. Ben Mahlprekteson.

“Doc, I’m real sick like Yeah. Yeah. No, I don’t think I’m cursed. Yeah, I know the dark arts are nothing to  mess with, but, OK, OK. I will. Bye.”

“Says it’s a cold.”

That evening the broke, sickly couple attempted to do a load of laundry in their new washing machine.

"I can't wait to use this new machine!" Lola exclaimed.

 Wyler and Lola were reading in the bedroom (Wyler,"The Monkey's Paw"; Lola, So Your Husband is an Idiot) when they heard gushing in the kitchen.Gush gush gush. 

"That can’t be good," Wyler said.

Wyler rushed to the kitchen and almost slipped on the wet floor; "Shut off the washer," came the cry of a distressed Lola from the bedroom. Within minutes, the entire kitchen floor was flooded.

The next day the plumber came to check out the situation.

"Nothing wrong here. Seems to me like this is just an old-fashioned wallet-based curse"

"Ken Rizzo! Wyler and his wife shouted at once!"

"Yup. Sounds like Rizzo Alright."

"Wait, you know Ken Rizzo?"

"Sure I do. He was my apprentice, before he became You Know Whose apprentice.

"The Baker's?" Wyler inquired. The plumber took a hard look at Wyler.

"Let me tell you, you better deal with this, or it's going to get worse."

"Worse than not getting to eat my doughnut?" Wyler asked.

"Well, how would you like your Netflix service interrupted."

"For how long?"

"A week."

  Wyler gasped; his wife fainted. The baby cried.

"The curse could do that?" Wyler said when he regained his composure.

"The curse will do that if you don't find a counter spell, and soon."

"How the hell are we going to do that?"

"Not my problem. Hey, do you think it's alright that I parked in front of that Wiccan shop next door?

The plumber left, and Wyler was left to ponder what to do.

"Oh, what are we gonna do?" Wyler moaned, crashing down on the couch. He heard the apartment door shut.

"Lola?"

Ten minutes later, the apartment door opened and Lola came into he living room.

"Ook," said the baby, pointing to a book in Lola's hand.

"Here you go, stupid." Lola handed Wyler a book.

"What is that?"

"Book of spells."

"Where did you find this?

"Spells R Us. Next door. Got a good price for it too: half off with the purchase of any Voodoo doll."

:"Huh." Wyler flipped through the book. "Trances, Vampire bites. Volkswagen engine trouble--here, Wallets, spell removal from, 33.

"To get rid of a wallet curse, gather the following ingredients: hot sauce, a ski vest, a dirty sock, a clean sock,  a sock that is mostly clean but just a little bit dirty; a mystery novel (but nothing by Agatha Christie), your most recent bank statement, and two forms of ID." Wyler gathered the items. "Now, stir these items together and chant the following words out loud three times. Ok, here I go." Wyler stirred the ingredients and began chanting.

Spiders, Snakes, Toads and Trump,
Lift this curse from off my hump.
Screw your curse, Ken Rizzo, you dog
I banish your lousy curse to a nearby bog!

A howl came from Ken Rizzo's wallet. "Leave the wallet be, or else!" came the previously cackling disembodied voice."

"Or else what?.

"'Or else' obviously implies something bad, so...something bad!" the wallet responded, testily.

"Oh," said Wyler.

"Keep going, you schmuck." Lola shouted.

Wyler repeated the chant.

"You stop that right now," the wallet chided.

Wyler was not deterred. He said the chant one last time. "--To a bog!"

"Oy Vey!" screamed the wallet Yidishly.

"Quick, check Netflix." Wyler yelled. Lola clicked the Netflix button on their Roku.

"Still works!"

"Thank God!

Two hours later,Wyler was searching for a missing piece of double chocolate doughnut under the couch cushion of the couch the couple had inherited from the previous apartment renters

"Hey, check this out. He held up a pair of worn, ragged boxers for Lola to inspect. "I could use a new pair!"


The End