More specifically, I would like to talk about sports team names, because I'm a bit confused about the whole naming process. For instance, I was driving my car tonight, as I do from time to time, and in front of me was a car with some Deleware University's name and team name bordering the license plate. What was the team name for this college? The Blue Hens. First off, call me a make-believe animal hater, but what's a hen doing being blue? Second of all, aren't sports team names supposed to be intimidating. Lions, Trojans, Coffee Shop Baristas. I mean, I'm sure a hen could scratch you up pretty good, but I don't know if I could take my coach seriously when he said, "Ok, hens, let's go get these Grizzly Bears!" "But, sir, no offense, but if I'm a hen, I'm not going to fight a Grizzly Bear. That's ridiculous. Maybe there are some field mice we could play? Some rabbits?"
Don't makes me lay an imaginary blue egg on yo' ass, biatch!
In Minneapolis, where we lived for a year, there were the "Golden Gophers," whose fans could be found in restaurants and shops in "Dinkyown". Perhaps there was a mixup between the college and a local daycare center? The toddlers were then acidentally christened the Pythons, who played, much to their parents' dismay, in The Snake Pit.
The other big topic with team names, of course, is cultural sensitivity, particularly when it concerns Native Americans. More specifically, maybe you shouldn't wipe out and dislocate an entire people and then use racist images of them to support your White European Ass entertainment. Of course one remedy, besides stopping the appropriation of Native American culture for White Fun and Profit would be to create equally offensive names of teams based on white stereotypes. For instance, we could have teams like The Nerdy White Guys with a mascot who is thin, pale, pimply, wears suspenders and glasses and carries around a calculator. Or we could have the Genocidal Maniacs, with an image of Christopher Columbus with horns, pitchfork, tail and gold coins in his eyes.
Anyway, I have to go catch the, uh, game....with that team, who I'm always rooting for and talking about with all of my many masculine male companions while we drink some economically friendly liquor in can form without, of course, using glasses.
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