Road Trip Randy here with another report from the road.
First, a word of warning.
DON'T EAT a GIANT BURRITO HALF WAY THROUGH YOUR DAY'S DRIVE.
Billboard Beat
I know y'all want the scoop on the billboard sitch along I-90 from NY to Illinois. Here's the deal. Billboards for fireworks, adult stores and attorneys are going strong, but I have to give a special shout out to Team Jesus because the Jesus Billboard Game is fierce! My personal favorite: "Jesus was rich." Guess those sandals were Birkenstocks!
Toledo Teaser
Sometimes you get so tired driving that you don't reach your intended destination and you stop over night in Toledo. Then you may get up in the morning much earlier than your wife and son and read the Toledo City Pages for something to do. You may then find out that Toledo has the BIGGEST MURAL IN THE COUNTRY and you want to see it and suggest to your wife that you go see it before heading out but your wife JUST WANTS TO GET HOME so you don't do that this trip. Also, you can get pizza for grownups in Toledo.
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Highway Yays and Nays
Yay - Illinois tourism efforts. Shout out to non-metropolitan Illinois for their promotional efforts. Take Ottawa,Illinois. Some people would say Ottawa, IL is in the middle of nowhere. But Ottawa isn't having that! In an epic branding clap back, they are calling their city "The Middle of Everywhere." While you really have to stretch your imagination (in fact, transform your whole worldview far eastward) to get it, that is surely a better approach than the city's other branding as "Radium City" or not trying at all.
Nay - Quaker State Steak and Lubes. Don't call yourself that. I just ate a giant burrito, that's playing with fire.
Yay- The farmer in southwest Wisconsin who placed a UFO sculpture containing a dog driver in his field on the side of the road. You are an American hero.
NAY- All other farmers on hundreds upon hundreds of miles of road providing NOTHING at all of value (unless you want to count the food on our tables). Would it kill you to commission a Sasquatch or giant picture of a farmer's daughter with a circle and line through it? Our eyes need food too!
Yay-To the I-80 Truckstop. This is unquestionably the Crown Jewel of Corn Belt Travel. I mean, just look at that beautiful t-shirt, one of dozens of products that seem positively requisite after a day and a half of driving through fields. I would say about 50% of our total trip expenses derive here.
Berm Beat
Somewhere along the way there was a sign, which read, "Soft Berm."
"What is 'soft berm'?" I asked my navigator, who is also my wife. I couldn't imagine "Berm" was a real thing, but I also couldn't imagine the local department of transportation would put made up words on signs (although I would wholeheartedly approve if they did). She looked it up.
"'Berm' is the bit of grass next to the shoulder of the road. If it is soft, that means if you drive onto it, you might get stuck."
Oh, I will avoid the soft berm then!"
"Good idea."
FAQ
Q: Is there anywhere I can go to fulfill my insatiable thirst for knowledge about the history of RV production?
A: Yes, as a matter of fact, in Elkhart, Indiana, besides a Perkins, you will find the RV Hall of Fame and Museum. You will tell your wife, "I want to check that out," and she will start investigating directions to the closest bus station.
A Final Word of Warning
If you're going to map out your road trip on paper, stop and think for one second before you come up with something not even your son's elementary teacher would accept:
Who Needs GPS?
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