Ten Things as Useful as This Internet Argument

1. Calling an ex to see how things are going lately.

2. Thinking about how I could have scored better on the SATs. Stupid analogies!

3. Planning to eat only half of that pint of Cherry Garcia in the freezer.

4. Teaching Bleak House to my neighbor's dog. 

5. Teaching Bleak House to my 10th graders.

6. Waiting for Kevin Smith to make another good movie. 

7. Any diet your Aunt Karen has tried.

8. Trying to Not find those "Slow Children" caution signs funny every time I see one.

9. Trying to open a Capri Sun. 

10. Reducing gun violence without gun control. (That's right, Larry, this sarcastic list of things as useful as arguing with you on the internet is actually a brilliant ruse to ARGUE WITH YOU ON THE INTERNET MORE. And you thought I was just being a rational person--ha, jokes on YOU. And I can't wait to see your RIDICULOUS response so we can continue arguing until this ends in a perfectly satisfying and productive way-- right after I get my six-year-old to finish all of his vegetables and I get a straight answer from my insurance company about why this necessary medical expense isn't being covered!